Straight from Dagupan, my grannies went to my workplace to fetch me. My officemates were curious on why I brought my green backpack with me and transferred some of my clothes in a white paper bag. They got even more suspicious when I showed them my black dress.

 

“May date ka  noh?” female officemate asked.

“Wala to. Nothing romantic, pero i’ll meet up with a guy that I haven’t visited for months and two special people will accompany me.” I replied.

“Yihii. May date nga ito! Saan ka ba pupunta?” she asked again.

“Sa Manila Memorial Park” I said with a smile on my face.

Lolo and I were quite arguing via text before he fetched me from Makati. My officemates laughed when they saw my lolo driving and stopping infront of the building. As I step inside the car, my lola asked me why I am carrying a lot of things. I told them that it is the only time wherein I can bring all these stuff back home.

So there. We went to Manila Memorial Park. I can’t even remember when was the last time I went there. I planned to pay him a visit last July, but it never pushed through. Kenjo, my constant companion when going there was not available way back so instead of risking my life going there alone, i opted to pray and cry alone at home.

I rarely went to Manila Memorial Park though my Ninong Vincent and some of my relatives were lying there. My parents would usually bring me to Binalonan (my mom’s hometown) to visit my grandmother whom I never met. I’ve been visiting the Manila Memorial Park every Halloween/All Saints Day for four consecutive years already. When Carlo is with me, he’d go straight to the Pizza Hut stall and order his own pizza (as if he can pay them LOL).

I may sound like a bad daughter, but I can say that I’ve moved on. I am not as emotional as I was years ago. I know that he’s happy for what I am right now and I know that he’s watching over me. I know that he’s just there guiding me and checking on me like a bodyguard. Though I don’t really see him, I can feel him.

What made me sad is that I am visiting him now without my mom and my brother. I would constantly hug my brother when I’m in that place. There are times wherein Carlo is acting like my dad – the mannerisms, the gestures and the sudden hugging and kissing (sabay sabi “pizza please ate i love you bili na”).

Gawd. I miss them.

Lolo was busy fixing his newly-bought camera when we were reciting the novena. He took lots of pictures and I some sort of felt his emptiness while he’s doing that. I mean yes, I can feel the emptiness too, but losing three out of your six children is no joke. Like what he said to his friends years ago, “Mas mabuti pa na ang anak ang naglilibing sa mga magulang kaysa ang magulang ang maglibing sa anak”.

Lolo is the type of person who appears to be strong and bossy (blame it on his spanish roots and scary voice). He rarely expresed his inner emotion though I remember reading some of his letters to my dad when I was born wherein he expressed how happy he was upon hearing the news that he  will soon see his eldest granddaughter. He wanted her to be strong and happy and I guess that came true.

When was the last time I said I love you to him? Hmmmm… I think in one text message months ago but i tell you – I find it hard to tell that to him in his face. The last time I hugged him? When I went here in Manila for my OJT (April 2007). The last time I wrote him a letter? I can’t remember haha but I am receiving a LOT of forwarded emails from him.

I remember my father and mother complaining about my not being sweet to them. Maybe they’re the ones to blame, eh?

But when I’m with Carlo, I am the sweetest, the bestest, the cutest, the funniest, the corniest, the everything with an -est in the whole wide world.

At the end of the day, I am still happy to have these three males in my life:

My grandfather – Who may be intimidating and scary at times but truly loves me and believes in me.

My father – Who may not be here physically but truly loves me and looks after me.

My brother – Who may be miles, miles away from me but unleashed the inner sweetness in me.

I am in the Dining Room here in Manila as I type this entry. Grandfather is back in Dagupan, Father is in heaven and brother is in England.

Yes, I’m alone.

And I just miss them.