â€˜Sa panahon ngayon, ruler na lang ang straight!â€™
Three years ago, Katrina Halili was launched as a lead movie actress via the sexy-comedy flick â€˜Gigilâ€™. Itâ€™s basically about a girl working in a call center whoâ€™s engaged to be married with her boyfriend for five years. The guy is almost perfect â€“ family-oriented (or Mamaâ€™s Boy?), very neat (vain!), responsible and most of all, handsome. Who would have thought that the groom would runaway with the best man on the wedding day itself? It might sound like a funny scenario, but if that happened to me in real life, Iâ€™d end up crying for months.
â€˜Ingat ka diyan sa puso mo. Naka-stapler lang yan!â€™
Though I hate to admit this, I will still admit it here at my blog. Majority of the guys whom I had a crush on are either bisexual (or bi now, gay later) and gay. An example of which is the guy whom I considered as my ideal guy way back in my teen years. He was intelligent, talented, responsible and very nice. I can clearly see the signs, but I wanted to hear it straight from him. Weâ€™ve been chatting a lot last summer and I told him everything. He said that he is contented because he is now in a happy relationship and heâ€™s finally out of the closet. At least now he is free.
I wouldnâ€™t elaborate much on the rest. Some of them admitted that theyâ€™re bisexuals though I am already anticipating for the day that they finally accept the truth about themselves.
Why the hell am I blogging about this? Just last month, my grandfather and I were arguing about cheating. He narrated the story of his friend who got married on their twenties and later on filed an annulment when he reached 40 years old. The friend then had an intimate affair with another male guy and they lived happily ever after. We were thinking about the girlâ€™s feelings and the shocking turn out of events.
Anyway, in a girlâ€™s point of view, itâ€™s really hard to be in that situation especially if you truly love the guy and you never had a clue that he is indeed gay. You canâ€™t help but think that maybe he became sweet to you because he is using you as a shield to protect his true identity. Your heart is crushed and you canâ€™t stop cursing. Your ego suddenly goes down and your self-confidence too. You later on question your worth as a woman. Paranoid much? Maybe. But thatâ€™s the truth.
But you know what, lady? You have no choice and you canâ€™t really do anything about it. Just consider this as a lesson learned. But wait. Thereâ€™s nothing wrong with falling in love especially if itâ€™s genuine, right? But we have no choice. We need to move on.
So how will you move on from this? I guess it will be helpful if you familiarize yourself with the Stages of Mourning. Bereavement is not only applicable to death.
DENIAL and ISOLATION: So finally, you confirmed the hurtful truth. Ok, you had suspicions days or even weeks before that yet you kept on entertaining excuses just to defend that the person you truly love is straight. When you find out that heâ€™s gay, youâ€™d insist that he is bisexual. You kept on making excuses just to hurt yourself and you keep on expecting that one day, heâ€™ll wake up as the man you wished him to be. But no.
Then you isolate yourself from your family, friends, workmates etc. Youâ€™d request for space as if you are an astronaut. Youâ€™ll be thinking and blaming yourself from falling in love with the wrong guy.
ANGER: As expected, thereâ€™s anger. Youâ€™ve been fantasizing about him all through-out these years only to find out that he is not looking for a she. Youâ€™d later on find yourself cursing him, deleting his photos, saying negative things about him, blogging about him (like this? Nah) and even slap him in a public place. Let it all out. Itâ€™s normal. Your emotions were hurt and even your ego was stepped on. Yeah, you know that itâ€™s not really his fault that he is gay, but you canâ€™t help but feel embarrassed and sad. Yes? Ok. Like what a Twitter friend said, Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It`s a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you`re hurt
BARGAINING: If only I chose my suitor from the other building instead of him, I shouldnâ€™t be crying like a baby right now. Sounds familiar? Oh yeah. Youâ€™ll be thinking of What Ifs and If Onlyâ€™s. In the end, youâ€™d end up hurting yourself. Still, this is normal. We have two choices most of the time and itâ€™s quite depressing if you chose the one that will later on make your life miserable and make you feel stupid.
DEPRESSION: Sadness. Regret. Sickness. Need of Intimacy from sincere individuals. Depression. How can you stop your heart from beating without really killing yourself? Nah, donâ€™t do that. Lalaki lang yan.
ACCEPTANCE: Once you finally accept the truth, youâ€™d regain the happiness you deserve. Accept. Learn to accept and yes, move on.
Reaching the acceptance stage is not that easy, but it is the only way for you to find the true happiness that you deserve. Cheer up! You deserve to be happyâ€¦. And gay =)
****Photos taken from the movie ‘Gigil’ Starring Katrina Halili.